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Sweet Home, Oregon
March 14, 2012     The New Era Paper
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March 14, 2012

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:tTe  ra - March 14, 2012 Page 13 Talkin' the talk brings out leaders among us It seems that retired gener- als have nothing on their hands but time, and perhaps a few battle scars. So how do they keep busy nowadays? Many, it appears, sell out to the media and act as war analysts, criticizing the very establish- ment that allowed them to put the "Gen." in front of their name and the "Ret." behind it. Why do retired military lead- ers always have their highest-at- tained rank in front of their name and (Ret.) behind it? Why do we never see names such as High School Science Teacher John Doe (Ret.)? Or Firefighter Johnny Doe (Ret.)? Are these not also impor- tant professions as well, which should require some recognition? Most high-ranking military officials are gruff, no-nonsense grandfatherly-type figures who- seem to have their own language and I can't help but wonder how they would talk and command something as important as a deer hunt. I can just picture a hunting camp full of retired generals and some new recruits the night be- fore the season opener. (As a foot- note, most of the following termi- nology was actually verbalized by military personnel in the theater, or at least on the evening news). "OK, you pencil-necked punks, listen up," says Gen. Buck Hunter (Ret). "You have been en- listed to serve in Operation End- eering Freedom." (Who are these people naming battles and wars anyway?) In a large wall tent, the rank- ing general stands on a huge map that covers half the floor and one entire wall. With a pointer, he outlines the hunting area and ad- dresses his small coalition of the willing. "I wish we had more hunters and better gear, but we'll go hunt- ing with the ground forces and equipment we have," he begins. "I will even go it alone if neces- sary." Pointing to the map, he con- tinues, "According to our intel gathering and aerial surveillance, a herd of deer was located in this quadrant late yesterday. It is my belief they are still in the general vicinity." He orders the hunters to break into four smaller groups - each led by retired generals of decreas- ing rank. "The operational chain of command will be as follows," in- structs the general.. "I will lead the Delta Force. Major Gen. Max Gunpowder (Ret.) is chaged with the forward scouts. Lt. Gen, Les Laws (Ret.) will command F-Troop. And Brig- adier Gen. Benny Buckshot (Ret.) will lead the Seventh Brigade. Gen. Hunter (Ret.) continues his briefing. "We need to use aggressive tactics when we're out there in the theater. I expect everyone to act decisively or pull back to base camp. 00UTI)OORS Scott Staats "We'll be engaged in a test of will and our end goal is for every- one to fill their tags. That we will execute the mission successfully, I have no doubt. "We cannot afford to fail. There is no turning back. We will deal with the animals in an ag- gressive manner. This allocation of forces is sustainable for as long as needed." "Some of the younger hunters point out that their ability to suc- ceed may be hindered by compet- ing predators encountered in the field. "There is no reason for any- one to be subjected to these vi- cious predators," says the general. "They are competing with us over our intended harvest, plus these animals are considered a hostile threat to us and others so we will take appropriate action. "Cougars, wolves, bears, coyotes and other insurgents are just a bunch of thugs and murder- ers trying to minimize our hunt- ing opportunity, and they will be eliminated. Do all of you have your Sports Pac licenses?" Once their quarry is spotted, the troops are told to "engage" the deer (Uh, is marriage somehow part of this process?). They are then told that there will be metrics put into the operation (do they plan on measuring the antlers in centimeters?). On opening morning, the group heads out for the hunt af- ter the general instructs the teams to initiate the mobile operational forces (4-wheel drive pickups and ATVs). By noon, they all arrive back in camp unsuccessful. Gen. Hunter (Ret.) immediately con- venes a meeting. "We will have to reallocate our combat capabilities and redi- rect our data flow and communi- cation architecture," the general says. "We will vary our operations as management strategies indicate and then resume our offensive. According to intelligence reports, it appeared that our ground forces swept through the objective, but the herd lost cohesiveness and dispersed into the surrounding county and out of our unit. We ex- hibited a breakdown in execution and lost operational control." He goes on to say that his troops will stay in the field as long as it takes and not a day longer, un- less of course all tags aren't filled, then the rules must be changed in the theater to allow a longer hunt- ing season. He stresses that they must modify tactics as he deems necessary but wouldn't speculate as to specifics. Before allowing the troops back in the field, the general or- deres some cleanup. "General Mayhem will be here shortly, so let's get the camp in tip-top order," he instructs. "There's also a storm rolling in which may present a dynamic threat with surprises yet to come. We need to keep our aperture fairly wide and operate very ro- bustly." Anyone who hunts knows that every hunting camp has its "Brig-a-deer" general who likes to take charge of the entire opera- tion from cooking to planning the day's hunt to commandeering (no pun intended) all the huntin' sto- ries around the campfire. Around this camp's fire, the four generals proudly explain how they attained each of their 300 medals and award a few Purple Hearts to a couple of the young hunters at the closing of opening day. Getting back to military lingo, it's common to hear terms such as capabilities, operations, tactics, QUALITY THE 9|FFERENCE 07 KEYSTONE SPRINGDALE Model 189 FL 23' Travel Trailer The Perfect Size Family Travel Trailer!!! Stock#7804 04 FORD FOCUS SE 4D Sedan Great little car, super gas mileage too! Stock#8058 $12,995 $7,995 04 GMC YUKON XL 1500 Denali Sport Utility 4D This one is a very' classy ride! Stock#8060 $17,995 3195 S. SANTIAM HWY, LEBANON, OR 97355 I 541-258-2175 I (DLR if 3102) MON-FRI: 8:AM TO 6:PM I SAT: 9:AM TO 6:PM I SUN: 9:AM TO 5:PM ! techniques and procedures. And what is it with the word "theater?" Are there actors or an audience? Why do all military leaders wear camo at all times, even when 5,000 miles away from the front lines? Do they not want us to see them behind the podium? Many appear not to have seen any military action since the dwin- dling days of the Civil War. When I'm 95 years old and write my last story in the outdoor theater, I'll be sure to sign off as Outdoor Writer Scott Staats (Ret.). Scott Staats is a full-time outdoor writer who lives in Prineville. Con- tact him by e-mail at newg@sweet- homenews.com. Please put "For Scott Staats" on the subject line. DAN DEE SHLES FOR ALL YOUR SPORTING GOOD NEEDS 610 MAIN STREET I 541.367.5544 I HOURS: MON.- SAT. 9 - 6 I SUN. i0 - 4 LA(ROE High 5EflR" 50% OFF SUITS - JACKETS - BIBS TEAR HEIIDER- S4.99 FABRIC ADHESIVE ~ 2 OZ. BoI-rLE WATERPROOF & FLEXIBLE _ i !i i i:::i ii:il !!il i i  :i